When faced with dysfunctional family dynamics, one of the most important questions to consider is how to protect ourselves, how to limit our exposure to constantly being hurt. Here are 6 simple suggestions to keep your emotional distance from the drama, and keep your sanity...
Family relationships, particularly adult sibling and parental relationships are a common focus of our work in therapy, particularly during holiday and vacation seasons. Sometimes these relationships, formed in our pre-verbal years and grounded in the hopes, fears, and common interests of our earliest youth, do not age well and become a source of misery in our adult lives. These relationships also become templates for how we navigate relationships as adults, and as such they demand to be handled with care.
We often observe in therapy even when faced with toxic family relationships, clients experience tremendous feelings of guilt and shame when they consider stepping back from or setting boundaries in these relationships. The very idea of trying to protect oneself from a negative family relationship can overwhelm us with complicated, self-defeating feelings. While the long term outcomes of family drama may vary, it is crucial to protect your own health and wellbeing along the way. Some common approaches to staying sane when faced with crazy family drama include:
Set a boundary around the minimum standard of behavior you are willing to accept. This starts with your own personal reflection on how much poor behavior you are willing to accept in a family relationship before stepping back from, or even cutting off the relationship. Becoming aware of that minimum acceptable standard will enhance your feelings of agency and control. Remember, that an abusive relationship does not merit a pass simply because it is a family relationship.
Be aware of that feelings of stigma, shame and guilt that are triggered in family conflict are uncomfortable, but normal, and they may well be quietly engendered or encouraged by family members. Be courageous in working through these feelings, sit with them, consider where they come from and how they serve you. The objective here is not to be discouraged or intimidated by these feelings into taking no action.
Expect a battle, but do not be discouraged. Families are complicated power structures in which the machinery of power is established early in our youths. Often times, those who claim a position of ‘power’ in a family relationship will work hard to protect it and may not be willing to give it up. Given that we have a tendency to channel our four year old selves in family relationships, family members who claim a position of power will fight hard not to lose that power. .
Remember that a relationship is made up of two (or more players), and you can only be responsible for your portion of it. Accordingly make a list of what is within, and not within, your control and focus primarily on what is within your control. You are not responsible for how your sibling thinks or feels, and you cannot control that person’s reactions. This is particularly important when dealing with family members with mental health or addictive challenges.
Given the complexity of family relationships, it's healthy and normal to have conflicting feelings about our family members at the same time. For example, as kids, we had a close bond with our siblings and now we have nothing in common, or we are continually hurt by and angry with our parents but we continue to have feelings of love and affection built in there. It's okay to feel both things at once. Embrace the contradictions.
Finally, be patient and try to practice self-compassion around how you navigate the relationship. Take heart in the widely shared view within clinical psychology that adult family relationships tend to function best at a healthy and respectful distance. Remember, these dynamics were taking shape from your first breath, long before you had speech or mobility, and any attempt to influence dynamics of this complexity is a gradual process.
Lastly, be aware that your needs will also continue to change over time as you grow, and there is no shame in outgrowing a toxic relationship, even one with a family member.
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